


To Feel Safe Again

by Eustacia Vye (eustaciavye)



Series: Ready For The Siege [9]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Dom Natasha, F/F, F/M, Femdom, Genderbending, Sub Loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-11
Updated: 2014-06-25
Packaged: 2018-02-04 07:11:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1770238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eustaciavye/pseuds/Eustacia%20Vye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha reluctantly agreed to let Loki tag along to Austria as an invisible bodyguard. What happened next was something neither of them bargained for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Playing A Role

**Author's Note:**

> Well, my baby's an eater and a sleeper, so I can possibly post during his naps, yay! It just takes me so much longer, and I don't know if I can keep to a reliable day or time. But once a week at some point in the week seems to be doable. :)

Hair dyed jet black, Natasha assumed the identity of Masha Schimmel, a middle management executive in the bioenergy field. There were conferences being held in Austria on the topic, and one such conference was being held at the very hotel where Emilia Schleiss lived. She worked in real estate and was a fair hand with electronics and records work, which she often did for her aunt Maia Schleiss. Emilia was also romantically involved with Ophelia Sarkissian, though it wasn't very clear if she was privy to Hydra secrets or merely being used as a pawn by her aunt and girlfriend. Emilia and Ophelia had an on-again, off-again kind of relationship as far as any of the SHIELD agents in the field office were able to gather for Natasha, but no one was able to tell for certain how much Emilia might know. They hadn't wanted to tip their hand to Hydra agents too soon, as they were already on alert. Natasha knew that she couldn't tap any informants she used to lean on; they were far lower down the food chain, and she didn't want to cause any panic in their ranks.

So Masha Schimmel was going to be her way to get close to Emilia.

Loki cursed the agreement that had him silently following Natasha as an invisible shadow. With her dark hair, he had to stay closer to her than she might have liked, but if he hung too far back she almost seemed to disappear into the crowd at the bar. She bumped into a few figures, but smiled widely at the blonde woman with the tight blouse and loose slacks. That would be the target, then. Natasha ducked her head to talk with the woman directly, sliding into the seat next to her at the bar. He couldn't get too close, not without someone realizing there was an invisible man amongst the crowd. A faster number on the dance floor loosened the crowd around the bar, and he was able to approach. He saw Natasha place a hand on the woman's thigh, her body leaning in close in a flirtatious posture. The woman seemed receptive, and Loki managed to keep himself from screaming at the sight.

"I don't know," she was saying, voice soft and hesitant. Loki remembered her name was Emilia, and this was just a way to get closer to Ophelia Sarkissian. He had promised Natasha that he wouldn't interfere with her tactics, but part of him wanted to simply control the woman's mind and get whatever information he wanted from her mind. That had to be easier.

"I have a room upstairs," Natasha offered. "If you change your mind, you could just head back down. I promise, it's not some weird abduction thing like in the movies." She gave Emilia a charming smile. "I mean, if anything, _I_ should be the nervous one. I'm inviting you up to my room, after all. I only just met you."

Weighing her options, the woman pondered that. "Or we can go up to my room."

That was what Natasha would have preferred, and she leapt at the chance. "Fantastic."

Once out of the bar, Loki had an easier time keeping track of Natasha and Emilia, as there were fewer bodies in the way. The tie between him and Natasha felt stronger out in the open, and he could follow it more easily.

Emilia had a large room with a balcony overlooking the city. Once in her room, her earlier bravado seemed to fade. "Look. Um. I don't really do that kind of thing, um..."

"Masha," Natasha told her helpfully. "It's okay. Really. I'm not looking for a relationship. I told you, I'm just here for the conference, then I'm heading back home in two days. I just..." Her lips twisted in an almost embarrassed smile. "I guess I'm using you?"

That made Emilia blink in surprise. "What?"

"Um. Yeah, well," Natasha began, feigning embarrassment very well. She dropped her purse on the side table and nodded toward the glasses. "Water?" Emilia shrugged, not really caring about it, and she didn't pay attention as Natasha slipped powder into it from her ring. The powder dissolved instantly into the bottled water Natasha poured into the glass, so Emilia didn't suspect a thing when she took the glass that Natasha gave her. Natasha took a sip of her water, affecting nerves, and Emilia mirrored the move.

"Okay. Well. I had a bad breakup," Natasha said in a rush, as if admitting a horrible secret. "She hit me, threw me across the room, said I was horrible in bed, the whole drama fit for an awful, awful movie. I just... You're hot, you know. And if I could get you screaming, it would prove she's a liar. I mean, I know it, but..."

Emilia drank the rest of her water and put the glass aside on the nightstand. "Oh." She blinked up at Natasha's awkward expression. "I've had a breakup, too. Just yesterday, as a matter of fact. We had the most awful row. It's why I even listened to you and suggested coming up here. My ex... Sometimes I don't think she likes me very much. She doesn't take me anywhere, won't tell me where she's going..." She gave a half hearted shrug. "She keeps so many secrets from me, like I'm a silly child. But I keep going back, like I can't get any better. You know, no one's even hit on me in _years."_

Natasha approached, a little hesitant but still with self assurance in her step. "So maybe, we can use each other." She reached out and touched Emilia's arm. "Because I'm looking for just tonight, that's it. I make you come a dozen times, I'm not an awful lover. And me wanting you this much, that bitch ex of yours is as big a liar as mine is."

"Y-you do?" Emilia gulped, suddenly looking very young.

Loki turned away, hands fisting at his sides in frustration. He knew this was an act. He knew that, knew that this was simply a means to an end, a quiet way to slip in under Hydra's radar using their weaknesses against them. Yet it was still painful to watch, to see the yearning on Emilia's face and know he saw it in the mirror all the time.

Instead of answering with words, Natasha grasped Emilia and kissed her lustily, tongue sliding into the other woman's mouth when her lips parted in a gasp. "God, you have no idea. You're so hot, I want to taste you so badly. I want to feel you, want to hear you."

Emilia offered no resistance as Natasha helped her strip off all her clothing, even the delicate looking trouser socks. Natasha playfully kissed her instep before rising to kiss Emilia on the mouth again, one hand winding through her thick blonde locks to hold her in place. Her other hand stroked Emilia's breast, her skin as pale as Loki's skin and with a nipple light pink like a rosebud. Emilia pulled at Natasha's skimpy top. She pulled back from the kiss so Natasha could toss the shirt up over her head and into a distant corner, exposing the lacy balconette bra over her short pencil skirt and stockings. "You're beautiful, too," Emilia offered shyly.

Natasha mirrored her smile, then moved down to take one of Emilia's breasts into her mouth to lick and suckle. Emilia gasped and looped her fingers through Natasha's darkened locks, holding her in place as she set to work. Emilia moaned in pleasure, head thrown back as Natasha stroked her bared breast. "Masha," she whimpered. "I'm so sensitive there..."

With an amused hum, Natasha kept licking and suckling, then switched breasts. Emilia writhed and twisted, one hand still at the back of Natasha's head and the other on her shoulder, fingers twitching. When she arched a little too much, their balance shifted and they toppled onto the bed. Emilia squeaked at the indignity of it, Natasha simply laughed. "Perfect," she declared in a sultry tone. Before Emilia could ask what she meant, Natasha buried her face between Emilia's breasts and started kissing her way down to the juncture of her thighs, urging her to part her legs. Of course Emilia did that without question, legs falling away to reveal her glistening center. There was the heady scent of arousal, and Natasha dived in to lick and suck at her with reckless abandon, making Emilia cry out.

Loki circled the pair at the edge of the bed, watching Natasha at work, fingers of one hand sliding through Emilia's folds. Her other hand was splayed across Emilia's stomach, holding her steady when she bucked her hips too much. Emilia pulled at the sheets and fondled one of her own breasts, noisy in her appreciation of Natasha's efforts. Loki felt distant somehow watching this; while it normally would be arousing, he felt only pain in the center of his chest. Normally he would wonder if Natasha would appreciate him adding a little magic to Emilia's body, or if she would want him to touch her. Instead, he hung back and watched her bring Emilia to boisterous climax, not even pausing when she came. She kept going, scissoring and twisting her fingers, sucking on the clit and making Emilia cry out to a god that wasn't Loki.

"Let me see you," Emilia gasped after the third orgasm, reaching down for Natasha. "Masha, please, I want to touch you, too."

Natasha stopped licking into Emilia and stood from her kneeling position. Without fanfare, she unzipped and stepped out of her skirt, kicking it aside. Off went the shoes, and she unhooked her bra. There was a run in one thigh high stocking now, and her lacy thong was easily removed. At Emilia's beckoning gesture, she approached and let her kiss her on the mouth. She ran her fingers along Emilia's body as the blonde caressed her. Loki could see that Natasha hadn't dyed her pubic hair as well as her hair and eyebrows. Instead, she had waxed everything off. "God, that's hot," Emilia said against her mouth, giggling when she felt Natasha's smooth mons under her fingertips. "I should try that."

"Feels good," Natasha purred, giving her breast a light pinch. "I like how it feels." She gave Emilia a gentle shove. "But for right now, I didn't make you come enough."

Emilia laughed and smothered a yawn, her shoulders dropping slightly. Ah, there was the effect of the sedative finally kicking in. Why hadn't it worked sooner? She tried to caress Natasha when she laid sideways across the bed, but she yawned again and missed Natasha's hip. Natasha knelt beside Emilia's splayed body, fingering her and stroking a breast until the woman passed out.

Once it was clear that Emilia was under the full effect of the drug, Natasha left the bed to wash her hands. She didn't bother to dress, but immediately started rifling through her belongings. "It took her long enough," Loki muttered, not quite materializing beside Natasha.

"It's not immediate," she answered distantly, brows furrowed in concentration as she deftly worked a tracking device and transceiver into Emilia's smartphone.

Loki looked at her, the pain in his chest a yawning chasm. "Does that really not matter to you? It isn't as intimate an act as I was led to believe?"

She looked up briefly, lofting an eyebrow at him. "What are we talking about?"

He shook his head. "Never mind. Continue. Our time here should be short."

"I should stay until morning, at least. Otherwise, she might get suspicious about not fucking me back." Her tone was matter-of-fact, businesslike, and Loki turned away from her. "You don't have to stay here if you have other places to be," she said, looking back at what she was doing, replacing the inner workings of the phone and turning it back on. "She's not going to try to kill me in my sleep or otherwise harm me."

"I promised you," Loki murmured, hating himself even as he said the words.

After replacing the phone where she found it, Natasha looked at him with a critical eye. "It bores you. You've told me that before. This isn't a very glamorous job, you know."

He firmed his jaw as he shrugged, determined that she wouldn't see how perturbed he really felt, or guess at the chasm in his chest. She had to think him invincible, inviolate. Amora hadn't harmed him too badly. He wasn't broken, not at all.

She rifled through the rest of Emilia's belongings, finding a small tablet computer. It was easy enough for Natasha to hack into it and install specialized tracking software that Emilia or any of Ophelia's goons wouldn't be able to detect, and once it was powered down, Natasha took the machine apart to place another transceiver into its inner workings. Loki knew he should be impressed with her capabilities, that information to and from Ophelia Sarkissian would be intercepted, especially if the pair was in an on-again phase. Still, it rankled somehow, seeing her move in this efficient, spare way. This was her job. This meant nothing to her on a personal level. This was _only_ her job.

And he had been a job to her once upon a time.

It couldn't have taken Natasha more than an hour to finish going through and altering Emilia's belongings. Loki felt more and more agitated, and her calm exterior no longer was pleasing. It reminded him too much that she was a spy, a professional liar and killer in the service of other professional liars and killers. She promised to kill him if he lost control, and she meant it. She wouldn't even think twice.

Why did this hurt so much? Why did this matter too much?

"She'll be out for another few hours," Natasha told him, heading to the bathroom to rinse off her face and gargle a bit. Normally her fluid movements and naked body would keep him enthralled, but now he simply turned away. "If you're that concerned, you can watch over us. I can take the opportunity to sleep."

She hadn't slept on the plane ride over. She had instead memorized every scrap of information SHIELD agents had dredged up on Emilia, Ophelia Sarkissian and Maia Schleiss. The cover identity had already been planted and memorized. By the time they had arrived in Austria, Natasha was wearing Masha's personality over her own. It had been disconcerting to see; perhaps that was when the gaping hole in his chest had started to form.

Loki remained invisible, watching over the two women as they slept. Natasha woke when the drugged sleep seemed to fade and Emilia stirred, groggily groaning and rolling over on the bed. She startled when she rolled onto Natasha's sprawled body. "Wow. You really weren't a dream," she blurted, making Natasha laugh.

"I'm definitely taking that as a compliment," Natasha said with a giggle, sounding pleased. Loki knew better, but she really did seem to be an innocent in that moment.

Emilia staggered to the bathroom to wash up a bit, and Natasha stretched, then moved to sit at the edge of the bed. Loki allowed himself a moment to admire the play of light over her naked limbs, but abruptly moved out of the way when Emilia returned from the bathroom. "I'm glad you stayed. I would've thought I was crazy if you'd just disappeared. I can't believe I just fell asleep like that."

Natasha laughed, a light, tinkling sound he had never heard her make before. "I might've thought about it downstairs, but there was no way I could leave when you were done with me. I was too damn exhausted."

Preening a little, Emilia leaned in to kiss Natasha. "One more time before you go. I insist."

This time, Emilia was the one to kneel and nudge Natasha's legs apart. She mouthed Natasha's bare sex, then licked and nuzzled. She grew bolder over time, fingers brushing across the skin of Natasha's thighs. Natasha threw her head back, sighing and moaning, fingers of one hand tangling in Emilia's messy hair. It was a picture of wanton lust and desire, one that Loki didn't want to see anymore.

He was only too eager to leave the room when the women parted ways, tension roiling beneath his skin. There was no way to explain it, and he didn't even bother to try. This didn't matter to Natasha, he told himself. That was just a cover identity. It wasn't important to her. She didn't even try to pretend that she cared about Emilia.

Loki supposed he could ask to join Natasha when she immediately stripped out of her clothes to take a shower. He could imagine it was to scrub off Emilia's touch. Just as easily, however, he could imagine her sliding her fingers between her legs beneath the shower spray, thinking of Emilia's tongue as she brought herself to orgasm.

Managing not to act like a surly mess, Loki paced the hotel room. He had no claim on her, he reminded himself. They had the confines of their deal, but no more. She had made it clear what she thought of him, and he had known that. Natasha was not gentle, not tender, not kind. She wasn't given to emotion. She was tightly controlled and didn't unravel even when he had thought he had her beaten and cowed. She did not break. She could not break.

But she had nearly sacrificed herself in that cavern, Amora's acidic venom eating away at her flesh to give him a moment's peace. She hadn't left him to die when she easily could have. He knew that there had to be something more between them than her callous treatment of him, his depredations and this damned deal. There was that tie between them, something that was and was not magical in nature.

Natasha stepped out of the bathroom after toweling herself off, leaving the sodden material on the floor. She walked around the room, casual in her nudity, pulling on clothes that Masha would wear to this conference. He wanted to ask why she would continue with this farce, but he knew she would follow through with it. The Masha persona would be real until this aspect of the job was over, and then she would follow the leads that her tracers would give her. Natasha was nothing if not thorough.

"Still playing my invisible shadow?" she asked, unerringly looking in his direction. Loki wanted to shout at her, wanted to rush forward and shake her until she felt _something_ for him in return, even if it was loathing. Indifference was worse than hate. He could tolerate hate, could make himself believe it was what he really wanted.

"I promised you," he said in a low tone, clinging to that one phrase like a lifeline.

She nodded sharply and turned back to getting her clothes together. He could admire the smooth lines of her body, the curves and the hidden strength in her limbs. He could remember what it had felt like to have her touch on him. He could crave more of it, but that didn't mean that anything would come of that right now.

The conference itself was fairly boring, and Natasha blended in with other midlevel management drones absorbing information on pellet fuels and new bioenergies that were being developed in different EU countries. Loki froze when he saw Emilia searching the halls as the ballrooms were emptying; had she discovered the tracers or found out that Natasha was a fraud?

It turned out to be neither. "Masha!" she called, moving through the crowd. "Are you free to have lunch with me?"

Natasha lofted an eyebrow. "I thought it was just a one time thing."

Emilia flushed, nearly becoming as red as her silk blouse. "No, no, nothing like that. It's just... I don't have anyone else living here that I know but my aunt, and she works with my ex... It's awkward eating lunch alone."

She gave Emilia a soft smile. "I understand. I have plans, but nothing I can't break." Sort of a lie; Loki hadn't planned to actually eat lunch today.

They sat at a restaurant near the hotel, and Natasha played up the innocent angle. "I didn't know you were attending the conference, too. I wasn't looking for you, though. Sorry."

"No, no, it's nothing like that. I'm in commercial real estate, buying and selling larger properties for corporations. I just like this hotel to stay in when I'm in the area. Otherwise, I travel a lot," Emilia explained. "So I don't know too many people here."

Natasha paused almost dramatically. "You still love her, don't you? Your ex?"

Emilia froze slightly, fork almost comically poised on the way to her mouth. "Um." She put her fork down. "I shouldn't."

"But you do." Natasha gave her a sad smile. "It's okay. We only met last night, it's not going to hurt my feelings."

Emilia blushed prettily. "It's still rude to talk about her like that. But yeah, I do still Phe a lot."

"Phe?" Natasha echoed. "Like Fiona?"

"Ophelia," Emilia corrected. "She's part of a big think tank that does biomedical research."

Natasha reached over and closed her hand over Emilia's wrist. "Why don't you just give her a call, then? See what can be done? Maybe you two can get back together. If it's a real thing, a stupid argument won't change that."

"You don't think I look desperate, then?" Emilia asked, sounding almost wistful.

"Hey, people say all kinds of stupid things when they're angry. Why not give it a try? What have you got to lose? If it's not meant to be, you'll find someone else that knows how to treat you right." Natasha gave her a negligent shrug.

Emilia actually had her cell phone in hand before she stopped and looked at Natasha in embarrassment. "Okay. Maybe I have serious issues with Phe. But I do love her."

Natasha laughed, a light an airy sound that had Loki closing his eyes to savor it. "Hey, it's okay. Really. Last night was fun, but I'm not going to stop you from getting back together with her if that's what you want."

The blonde looked relieved and nodded. "I'll at least wait until we're done with lunch," she decided, putting the phone on the table.

Chuckling, Natasha nodded. "Good. Just because I'm not looking for more than a one night stand doesn't mean it's not rude." She stuck out her tongue for good measure, making Emilia laugh. The rest of the lunch progressed uneventfully, and Natasha gave Emilia a hug and wished her good luck.

Loki remained silent until they were nearly back at the hotel. "You so casually fucked her last night and now shoved her back at Ophelia Sarkissian to further your agenda. Does she matter so little to you?"

"She doesn't matter at all."

It was a statement that disturbed him, though he couldn't have said why that was so.

"She's not harmed by it, whatever you may think," Natasha continued, taking his silence for the discomfort that it was. "She had a good time last night, and it's a boost to her ego. Then she gets to hear that getting back together with an emotionally distant girlfriend—the thing she wants to do anyway—isn't necessarily a crazy idea. It's what she wanted to hear, and gives her the least amount of pain. Ophelia has to care about her on some level, since she really isn't involved in any of Hydra's plots. Ophelia is passionate about Hydra's goals, and moves everything out of her way to get them accomplished. Yet she takes time out of those plans to see Emilia and protect her from the world she lives in."

Perhaps Natasha wasn't as cruel as she wanted Loki to believe her to be.

"Did you really think I hurt everyone I came into contact with?"

Loki stopped walking beside her. After a few steps, Natasha stopped as well. She paused, pretending to look in a storefront window, waiting for Loki to come to her. After a moment he did, sulking. "You have a callous side," he said finally. "And you do not care for her."

"No, I don't," Natasha replied, barely moving her lips. She turned toward the hotel and resumed her walk. "I don't hate her, either. She's a means to an end. There's no point to hurting her, no point in destroying her entire worldview."

"Your manner of kindness."

"Isn't it?" she asked, eyebrow arched in his general direction.

It hurt to hear, and he didn't want it to hurt anymore. Did she only propose their deal because it was her manner of kindness? Did she do it to ensure he wouldn't kill her? Ah, but this was cruel to even contemplate. Perhaps she would be kinder to him if he was female. If he was a woman the way Emilia was, would she be softer with him? Would she actually grow to care for him, find a way to bond with him?

Natasha took her immersion into her roles seriously, that he knew. Loki hung back as she stayed in character as Masha, listening to speakers and taking dutiful notes for a company that didn't exist and never would. She didn't even try to load her SHIELD communication devices, didn't try to track Emilia's communication with Ophelia. Someone else would monitor that feed, just as someone else would track her computer. Natasha would go through the collected data later, and from there draw her conclusions and figure out where to move next.

He was unnecessary. He really didn't have to come with her to Austria. This wasn't quite the dangerous mission he had been expecting it to be. The debacle in Andorra wasn't the usual way her jobs ended up.

Then Loki remembered that he had been a job as well. He had been the target for her to understand, manipulate and maneuver. He had outmaneuvered her, had her bested and on her knees, spewing forth emotions that likely no one else had ever seen. She had trusted him, and he had broken that trust so violently and thoroughly. She would never trust him like that again, and he knew it was all his own doing. There was no one else to blame in that, and whatever grand plans he might have about her defection from SHIELD had that insurmountable barrier to contend with. Loki owed her a debt; he had a ledger now, he knew this to be true, and knew that her stress on choices was a way to allow him to repay that debt. The problem was, he didn't want to repay that debt. He didn't want to have the entire world think he was a good man. He didn't want others thinking well of him. He wanted them afraid of him, to believe him powerful and resourceful. They had to be on edge, perpetually on guard, sure that the power he held was immense and held back only by his magnanimity. The only thing he wanted was Natasha, body and soul, and he didn't think he could have that.

Brooding in the back of the ballroom was unbecoming, but there was no one to see him do it. Even Natasha couldn't tell what he was feeling. All she knew was his general location, and she could only guess at his emotional state by his words and body language. Without it, she was as blind as everyone else.

But if he was different, somehow. If he was softer, kinder, someone she could approach. If he was someone other than Loki Odinson. Or Laufeyson, he didn't know what patronymic he was supposed to use anymore. It bothered him more than he wanted to admit. He was Loki of Asgard; Jotunheim was no home to him, though the cold gave him no discomfort. Asgard was the place he thought of as home, Frigga as his mother. But he was lost to that place, barred from reentry. Odin thought himself a father, but issued commands from high and did not understand what happened to others in the face of his decrees. Nor did he care to. To understand would mean that he had to act, and his will had to remain absolute. Others would have to do his bidding, and he could not appear weak.

Without even realizing what he was doing at first, Loki started weaving spells throughout his body in order to change its shape. He grit his teeth and bore down on the pain of it; he hadn't done it this way when he appeared to be Agent Laura Arbitell for the Warriors Three. That had been superficial changes and glamour, nothing to the extent of what he was doing now. It was more than physical shape that had to be rearranged. Natasha would see through it otherwise, and it had to be a total transformation. She would never accept it if it wasn't complete. She wouldn't treat him differently if any trace of Loki was left behind.

Natasha felt the presence and use of his magic. She turned around, unobtrusively to the others, but stared right at him. When the pulse of magic didn't fade, she headed to the back of the room as if heading to one of the tables with water glasses for a drink. He didn't even try to sidestep her, didn't avoid the brush of her gaze. "What are you doing?" she hissed under her breath.

"Nothing important," he returned, sounding confident. His voice would be the last thing to change, of that he would make sure. She couldn't guess this, not until it was complete. Then she would see the lengths to which he would go for her. Then she would understand. She didn't like the promise to raze Helheim, and he understood why that was. But this, this didn't involve death or destruction. This would be proof of his concern.

And maybe she would understand why he did it, when even he didn't know.

"Loki, don't do anything stupid."

"Why would I do something like that?"

She shot him a death glare. "Let me catch Sarkissian my way. Don't draw her out with magic. I won't be able to lock her away otherwise."

Relief flooded through him; she thought he was helping her cause with his craft, not that he was doing something damaging. She didn't think _that_ badly of him.

Of course, he didn't stop to think of why that might matter to him. Or why it shouldn't have.

"I won't draw her out with magic. It's just deadly dull here."

Her expression softened. "Go on up to the room, then. I'll probably be here another hour or two."

Loki retreated immediately, only a whisper of touch from his fingertips to her lips to mark his passing. His body wouldn't have changed yet, so she should have felt the same imprint upon her skin. Of that he was confident.

Ensconced in her hotel room, Loki fell upon the bed and began to apply spells in earnest. While his armor and leathers were enchanted to be form fitting, it soon felt too confining, too encumbering. He shed the offending armor pieces and then his clothing, almost laughing at the sudden appearance of each item to the naked eye. The invisibility spells still held on his form, so he couldn't see what he looked like as his body changed. He could feel it, the contractions of muscle and twisting of skin, the warping of internal organs to match the newly chosen sex. The change burned through him, fierce as Amora's venom had been but sweeter somehow. Perhaps because he had chosen this fire, willingly submitted to it in a way he never would have if Amora had asked him to. He had endured its pain for Natasha's sake, and he would gladly do so a thousand times over if it would keep her safe.

He _burned,_ but this was a good ache. A cleansing ache. Everything could start over now, and he wouldn't have to be a callous monster.

Partway through the transformation he fell asleep. The invisibility spells didn't hold, but that didn't matter to Loki during the brief wakings before Natasha returned. No one else knew of Loki's presence, only her. There was no need for invisibility spells.

He looked in the full length mirror to examine his new form. He was as tall as he had been before, and as pale and dark haired. His limbs were still slender, but the angles in his limbs were softer now. The angles in his face were gone, and his facial features appeared youthful and almost sweet, not as Laura had looked. His breasts were high and full, rather like Emilia's were, and his stomach was rather flat, just the smallest rounded curve that hinted at a fertile body. His hips were flared wide, and the coarse hair between his thighs covered a slit and not a cock. His fingers and toes curled as he perused his reflection, and he watched his reflection as he touched himself everywhere, exploring this body.

Pleased, Loki gathered up the sheet from the bed and wrapped it loosely around the lush body as he waited for Natasha, almost gleeful with anticipation.

When she did return, her eyes grew wide and she tensed as if to strike. Loki stood, the single sheet wrapped around his body falling away to reveal his new form, naked and fresh from the transformation. "I'm Loki," he said, but his voice was different. It wasn't harsh and mocking the way Laura's had been. This time, it was more melodious, more feminine. Hopefully it would be more appealing to her.

"Loki, what have you done?" Natasha asked, voice carefully measured.

Without inflection, he had no idea how she thought anymore. _She_ had no idea what Natasha thought anymore; the transformation was too new, Loki still thought of herself as a he, though now this body was unmistakably female.

"Is this not better?" she asked, voice soft and melodious. "Is this not easier?"

"Easier for what?"

"To start anew." She reached out for her, and thankfully Natasha didn't back away or look on in disgust or horror. She would have wailed and broken something if Natasha had done such a thing. Loki didn't know how to feel otherwise.

"Why would we need to do that?" Natasha asked in that same careful voice. Loki was starting to hate it. "We can't forget the past. You know that."

"Wouldn't you like me better this way?" Loki asked, hoping that Natasha couldn't hear the desperation in her voice. New voice, new body, new mannerisms. Right?

Natasha stayed still while Loki touched her shoulder gently. "What brought this on, Loki?"

"Is this not easier? The past forgotten, no constant reminder of all that passed before."

Loki couldn't breathe when Natasha pressed on the patch of slightly discolored skin just on the rise of her left breast. It was the same patch of discolored skin that marked where Amora's venom had hit him. There was no other obvious disfigurement, but Loki felt like it was a brand of some kind. She trembled despite her intention not to, and she nearly cried out, feeling the ghostly burn of the venom on her flesh.

"Can you really forget?" Natasha asked softly, infinitely gently.

To her infinite shame, Loki's vision swam. Her eyes were shining bright, and she wanted to bawl in Natasha's arms. "I want to," she whispered.

"Is this because of Emilia?"

Yes. No. Of course not. Of course. It had nothing and everything to do with her.

"Loki. _Look at me."_

She had to respond to Natasha's commanding voice. She had to obey, had to submit. There was no pain if she did that, if she did what Natasha wanted her to do, if she pleased her... the awful, gaping hole in her chest would go away. There would be no pain, only release. Natasha could make it all better, if only for a little while. She didn't have to be a horrible, monstrous creature all the time. For a little while, she could know peace.

Natasha grasped Loki's face in her hands, and she could feel herself tremble under Natasha's piercing gaze. _You shouldn't have come here,_ Natasha would say. _You don't belong here. It was a mistake to bring you._ I don't need you, she would say. It would hurt terribly, it would tear her apart. And she would endure it if she had to, because it was what Natasha wanted her to bear.

But she said none of those things. "Get me something to tie you down with."

Loki was only too happy to comply.

***  
***


	2. Diving Deep

The best that Loki could do was give the bathrobe tie to Natasha. She licked her lips nervously and kept her eyes downcast. "You usually don't want me using magic," she murmured. "It's not our usual day, but the rules..."

Natasha's hand came to rest gently on top of her bowed head. "You did well, Loki."

Breath rushing out of her in relief, Loki tilted her head up and looked at Natasha from her kneeling position. While she had run about the room frantically looking for something that would serve Natasha's needs, she had carefully taken off all of her clothing and piled it in the corner with the other clothes that needed laundering. Loki could see every curve and flare in Natasha's body from this position, mouth running dry at the thought of what her domme would do to her. It wasn't their usual day, this wasn't part of their deal, but Loki ached so badly and didn't understand why. She had twisted herself inside out— _literally,_ painfully, and yet without regret— but still felt out of sorts and lost. She needed Natasha to feel whole again, to feel some measure of safety she had lost somehow.

 _Amora bested you,_ Loki's male voice echoed harshly in her head. _She burned you, she broke your bones, she spelled you silent and useless. Her minion chained you down and you_ burned _helplessly at her whims. Your pain amused her, as if she was a disciple of Thanos. It was nothing to her, and you know_ you deserved every moment of it. _You lie to Natasha with every breath. You are not worthy._ You will never be worthy. _You will die alone, and you know it is just punishment for all you've done and all you will do. Her ledger will never set you free. You will drown in blood, because you will lie and cheat and steal and kill, because it's_ who you are. _Odin and Frigga should have killed you as an infant. There would be no pain now if you had died as you should have._

Loki let out a pained sound, nearly a wail, when Natasha knelt in front of her and brushed aside the tears that Loki didn't realize she was shedding. She was shushing her, as if Loki was a broken child, and that sent her to sobbing. Frigga had done this for her once upon a time, broken bones and shattered spells, her heart shredded in her chest at what a failure she was. Frigga had been infinitely patient and loving, and deserved a better child than Loki.

Natasha took the bathrobe tie in hand and pulled Loki's wrists toward her. "I'm going to make it better, Loki," she murmured.

"P-please," Loki sobbed, ashamed of her reaction. "I don't understand. I can't..."

She tied the terrycloth around Loki's wrists carefully yet tightly enough to let her feel secure. At the feel of Natasha's fingers over her scar, Loki startled and nearly wailed in terror. Natasha shushed her again, voice infinitely gentle, just like Frigga's had been. "I understand, Loki. I know what's happening to you."

Loki looked up, bewildered hope in her eyes. "You do?"

Her touch was gentle on Loki's cheek. "A lot happened in the cavern. And there have been nightmares you don't talk about." Loki froze, breath caught in her chest. How did she _know?_ Loki had never mentioned it, and had layered silencing charms over himself at the Tower and here in Austria, so thick he thought he would choke from it. "So you need this extra session. I'm here. I saved you there, and you know I'll save you again."

"Please, Natasha," Loki begged. "Please." She didn't even know what she was begging for, but if Natasha could make it all stop...

"Lie on your back on the bed."

Loki got up with some difficulty and nearly crawled onto the bed, her knees locked in place and her breathing shallow with fear. Natasha would make it better, and Natasha would know what to do. All she had to do was trust in her. She was the only one left. Loki had driven everyone else away, but somehow Natasha was still there. She hadn't left yet, but it was only a matter of time, really. If Loki was too much of a burden...

Natasha was all graceful movements as she got on the bed to tie the other end of the terrycloth to the headboard. Loki nipped at the breast swaying close to her head, catching the nipple between her lips. Her tongue swept out, and a sense of calm settled over her when Natasha touched her chest. It was a firm touch, grounding her, and Loki nearly sobbed when Natasha leaned back and took her breast away from Loki's mouth.

"Close your eyes and feel me," Natasha commanded, and Loki had to obey.

It was delicious torture; Loki could open her eyes and see Natasha as she ran her fingers along the new dips and curves of Loki's body, but that would be disobeying. Lack of sight also meant that her other senses were sharper to compensate, making the feel of Natasha's fingers and the sound of her body moving that much more intense. Loki could hear her own heartbeat rushing in her ears, the slight gasps she made when she shivered. Natasha was silent, painfully silent, and Loki didn't know if she was doing a good enough job. But there were no reprimands, no curses or painful swats, so she had to be following directions well.

Loki bucked and cried out when Natasha gave her nipples a light pinch, but she remembered to squeeze her eyes shut. She whimpered slightly, letting her head fall back. It wasn't a punishment, but oh, that was _delicious_ and she hadn't realized how good that could feel. Loki heard herself panting and whimpering, but couldn't find it in herself to feel shame at that moment. Shame wouldn't matter to Natasha. That wasn't important. Loki had to submit. She had to listen and follow directions. That was all she had to do. She had to _feel,_ and nothing else was important but that.

She cried out again when Natasha's mouth came down over the nipple, soothing the sting with her tongue. Her mouth fell open, breathing harsh as she gave herself over to the sensation of Natasha's mouth on her breast and then Natasha's fingers sliding down her belly to the juncture of her thighs. Loki tilted her hips and let her legs fall open, crying out again when Natasha's fingers curled into her. She kept her eyes shut tight, pleasure flooding through her. She couldn't be as awful as she thought if Natasha would give her this. It would be painful if she was as lost and broken as she feared she was. Natasha would hurt her if she needed it, Natasha would rein her in when she went too far.

The first orgasm was swift and unexpected, making her nearly scream. Natasha didn't slow down at all, but kept going. Her mouth had moved to the other breast, then dipped down to her stomach, licking and nipping at her skin. The air felt chilly over her wet nipples, which made her whimper. She could feel them tighten and pucker, and Loki writhed and moaned beneath Natasha helplessly. The second orgasm wasn't as unexpected now that she knew how it felt, a ripple of intense pleasure that made her want to melt into the bed.

"Open your eyes," Natasha commanded when she withdrew her fingers. Loki did so, feeling weak and loose limbed, her mouth open with the effort to breathe. Natasha was still gloriously naked, self assurance in every line of her body. She licked her fingers slowly, sensually, eyes locked to Loki's. Once they were clean, she repositioned herself so that she could grind her clit against Loki's. Never once did Natasha look away, though Loki wanted to writhe and shut her eyes to have the pleasure overwhelm her again.

She said nonsense words and phrases in English and Alltongue, prayers that would likely go unfulfilled. "Please," she begged, not knowing what she begged for. "Please. I can't. I can't," Loki whimpered, tears coming to her eyes as her entire body tightened in anticipation.

"You can and you will. You will do this for me," Natasha said. There was infinite kindness in her command. "You're going to take all of this and more."

More. By the roots of the Tree, Loki would go mad before then.

Loki pulled at her wrists as she twisted, gasping and moaning. "I can't, I can't."

"You can," Natasha purred, her own breath catching slightly. Oh, this had to be good for her as well, the glorious pleasures Loki felt now had to be mirrored in Natasha's body. "You're going to be so good for me, won't you, Loki? You're going to be so good, and it's because you can feel this, you want me to do this."

"Please," Loki moaned. "Please," she begged, hips jerking as a bolt of pleasure shot through her. She could feel inner muscles clench down on emptiness, and it gave her a feeling of loss. Oh, yes, _there._ That didn't exist before today, but suddenly it ached as if it pulsed and needed and wanted of its own accord. How strange, how wonderful.

Natasha sped up her pace, her own breath coming short as she ground down with harder, shorter strokes. Loki cried out again, hands curling into fists. "I need," she panted helplessly, hips bucking against Natasha's. "Please..."

"You're such a good girl like this, aren't you? Pretty and dripping wet for me?"

 _Keep talking,_ Loki silently begged, her mouth so dry from gasping for air. Natasha's filthy statement quickened her heart, and she wanted more.

"If I had toys here with me, you'd let me fuck you. Put a cock in there, fuck you hard and fast, make you come so hard you don't know who you are anymore. I'd fuck your ass, too, make you scream for me."

"Yes, yes, I want it, I'll take it," Loki gasped, not caring what she said anymore.

"Bend you over, fuck you from behind, pull on your hair, make you feel me as I fucked you hard," Natasha gasped, hips snapping. She had to be close, and Loki whined, wanting to watch her come done. She could feel herself, wet and aching, needing Natasha to fill her up. She was empty, she was lost, Natasha knew the way to wholeness.

"Harder," Loki agreed, tilting her hips. She felt so slick, so wanton, so _wanted,_ and she would do anything Natasha asked her to do.

Natasha made a soft keening noise, but kept rubbing against Loki until her vision whited out and she nearly screamed. She moaned with loss when Natasha moved, but she was knee-walking along the bed until she came to Loki's head. Without another word, she swung one leg over the side and gripped the headboard. "Make me come, Loki," she commanded, voice strong and showing no rough edges as Loki's was. "Be a good girl, and I'll be good to you."

"Yes," she said, smiling up at Natasha and then eagerly diving in. She loved how Natasha tasted, and she was slick from her orgasm. Loki laved at her with her tongue, lapping at the juices and nipping at the tender flesh. This she knew how to do, and she moved as hard and fast as she dared to over Natasha's clit. She could ignore the ache between her legs as long as she pleased Natasha, as long as she kept up a litany of her filthy plans for Loki's new body. Yes, she would use clamps on her nipples, let Natasha bend her over to doubly penetrate her with dildos or vibrators, let Natasha spank her or take a flogger to her back. She would do anything, anything at all, as long as Natasha was pleased. As long as Natasha wanted her, as long as she could belong to her, as long as she had a place.

When Natasha came, Loki slowed her pace so Natasha could come down from the high. For the effort, Natasha slid her fingers into Loki's slick slit, making her cry out in ecstasy. Three fingers in, thumb at her clit, Loki's hips shifting and jerking of their own accord. Natasha was straddling one thigh to keep her from moving too much, and Loki could feel Natasha's wet quim rubbing against her skin. Too much, too much, over too soon but Natasha didn't stop, didn't let her even come down from the high before taking her higher still. Loki had no idea she could feel this way, found herself begging for more, more, just let her feel, please, more of this, don't let her be lost, don't let go of her, don't let the monsters devour her, please keep the darkness away, please, please, please, take the nightmares away, let the memories drown beneath this, please, I love you, I love you, I love you...

Loki shattered, her entire body falling limp and boneless against the bed.

Natasha came again from grinding against Loki's thigh, and she gently reached over to pull her wrists free. She cradled Loki's face in her hands and kissed her lips tenderly, a lover's kiss, something she had never done for Emilia. "You were so good, Loki," Natasha crooned softly, licking at her parted lips. "You did well."

She needed to hear it, and leaned into Natasha's kiss. With difficulty, she brought her arms down, fingers shaking. Loki could only whimper as Natasha pulled her into a tight embrace, as the haze in her mind settled down a little. She felt so small and helpless as she clung to Natasha, but safe at the same time. She was safe here. It would be fine, she wouldn't be hurt again.

Opening her eyes a little, Loki saw through her own dark hair and caught sight of Natasha's. The spy had dyed her hair the same exact shade as Loki's. It was shorter, pulled back in a messy bun so that the ends looked spiky, but their hair was the same color now. _They were the same._ Her heart sang wildly in her chest, some measure of camaraderie and almost ownership. Of course she had been silly before. Fear and nightmares and Amora's awful threats had warred in Loki's mind and poisoned it. Natasha cared. Of course Natasha cared. Natasha saved her from Amora and Skrall, saved her from the pain as long as she could stand it, longer than Loki had wanted her to. There was that bond between them, the bond that Loki didn't make and couldn't control. Natasha wanted her. _Natasha wanted her._

Nearly sobbing with relief, Loki clung to Natasha as the shivers began to wrack her body. She let her eyes slide shut as Natasha tightened her grip. She belonged, she belonged, she hadn't driven everyone away, she wasn't a failure, she wasn't as terrible as she feared. Oh, she was evil, had done monstrous things, certainly didn't deserve love in the truest sense. But she wasn't alone, wasn't going to be left for the beasts in the dark to devour. Natasha would never let that happen to her. Natasha would keep her from becoming the beast in the dark, and her own treacherous desires wouldn't consume her. Natasha would keep her safe.

"Better?" Natasha asked after a while, voice soft. Loki nodded against her breasts, eyes still closed. Her entire body was loose and relaxed, remade without the terrible tension. It might come back again—all of her nightmares usually did, tangled, frightening and shadowy things that she couldn't name once awake—but Natasha would keep her safe.

It was a mantra that she believed in as strongly as she believed in Yggdrasil.

"Good," Natasha said, soft voice thick with her approval. Loki was good, Loki listened and took what Natasha gave her. That was the way it should be, and meant she could stay. "Go wash up, okay? You're all sticky."

Loki walked to the bathroom on wobbly legs, feeling as skittish and weak as a newborn colt. But that was the way of it, wasn't it? She was reformed, made new, washed clean until the next time she befouled herself with the impulses she couldn't control. Without Natasha even having to ask, Loki brought a damp washcloth after she was done cleansing herself, and took her time cleaning Natasha, nuzzling her thigh almost as a cat would. Loki even purred when Natasha stroked her hair, fingertips massaging the base of her skull. She let her eyes slide shut and inhaled the scent of Natasha's musk, breathing in deep and feeling at peace.

"Oh."

Loki pulled back, the haze of pleasure and pleasing Natasha making her movements slow and languid still. This was a good session, sending Loki deep into subspace. She didn't want to come out of it, but there was Emilia in the doorway, housekeeping keycard in hand, looking at them and appearing dumbfounded and lost. Loki could relate; who did Emilia belong to? Ophelia wouldn't do this for her, would she? Emilia didn't know anyone else in Austria but Ophelia and Maia, and she was so drawn to her work. Why else would she let a stranger take her to bed and open up about her innermost feelings? She craved someone to belong to.

While Loki could understand it, she wasn't about to share Natasha, either.

"Emilia," Natasha said, not taking her hand away from the back of Loki's skull. Oh, that made her want to preen and boast about being wholly Natasha's.

"Sorry. Um. I stole this from the housekeeper and convinced a clerk to give me your room number." Emilia flushed at the sight of Loki kneeling between Natasha's spread legs, their nakedness and activity painfully obvious. "Um. I'm sorry. But I don't have your number, and I really... I don't know anyone else. I..." She was in near tears and looked helpless and lost. Loki had felt that way not too long ago, but couldn't find any sympathy for the poor woman.

Natasha looked down at Loki, and she understood that Natasha was asking her without words if she was ready for their scene to end. After she came down from her highs, there were no specific rituals to signal its end. Sometimes Natasha simply said they were done. She couldn't say that aloud now without giving away Loki's secret, and it warmed her heart immensely to know that Natasha would even protect her from strangers.

"I'm Laurel," Loki said, pulling back from Natasha. When Natasha rose to her feet, Loki pulled up the discarded sheet from the floor and wrapped it around herself. Natasha didn't bother, simply wearing her nudity as if it was an evening gown.

"Do you want me to go?" Emilia asked Natasha, her expression clear that she was afraid Natasha would say yes. She really had nowhere else to go. That was likely one of the things that drew Ophelia Sarkissian to her, and one of the reasons why Natasha had targeted her.

"Close the door," Natasha said, striding forward and pushing it shut. "What's happened?"

Emilia's eyes flicked from Natasha to Loki, and she licked her lips nervously. Loki sat on the edge of the bed, keeping her expression neutral and her eyes on Emilia. She didn't have to defend her territory. Natasha could do that herself. She was strong, she could do anything. She had saved Loki, and Loki was safe here.

"I called her. Like we talked about at lunch." Her stance was one of barely contained agitation and anxiety. Loki almost felt sorry for her. Almost. She should have had more time in Natasha's bed if not for this woman interrupted.

"And?" Natasha prompted when Emilia fell silent.

"She doesn't care. I've been her thing on the side. She's been involved with someone for _years,_ and only wanted me to find her large enough properties to do her research, and only because I was _fucking convenient,_ because she was working with my aunt!" Emilia wailed, bursting into tears.

Natasha pulled a face and had Emilia sit down in the armchair across from the bed. "So she's breaking up with you for good?"

"She doesn't need me anymore." Emilia sniffled and looked at Natasha piteously. "Because I really am useless and stupid, and I never knew what she was up to. _Three years_ of my life wasted on that selfish bitch."

Rubbing Emilia's arm gently, Natasha cast a sideways glance back toward Loki. "So... What do you want to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, she used you and was horrible. Do you want to get even?"

Emilia blinked, and Loki wanted to shake her. She could see where Natasha was going with this, even if Emilia couldn't. Stupid girl.

"You've been with her three years, Emilia. You know everything about your ex, right? So why not stick it to her where it hurts? If she loves her business more than you, start messing with it."

"I guess I do. I mean, she's in business with my aunt Maia and I've done the books there a bunch of times. I can get her financials easy."

Natasha gave her an encouraging smile. "So hey, you could go messing that up."

"But I don't want to hurt Maia. I couldn't do that to her."

"I'm sure you'll think of something."

"Or could you come with me?" Emilia asked, looking hopeful as she sniffled and rubbed at her eyes. "I mean, you said you're in business, something like that. You could figure out how to make it really hurt." Emilia's face fell when Natasha looked back toward Loki. Oh, how that warmed Loki's heart. _Natasha valued her opinion._ How long had it been since she had felt that way?

"Hang on." Natasha went to Loki's side and ducked her head low. "You don't have to go, you can stay here," she said. In a softer voice, she whispered "I can handle it myself."  
"I'll send copies," Loki whispered back, pressing her lips against Natasha's cheek. "Invisible ones, in case you need me."

Natasha pulled back with a smile and then went to her suitcase. "Is it far? Because I don't really know my way around," she said to Emilia.

"You're really going to come along with me?" Emilia asked, face lighting up with hope. "No, it's not far at all." She watched as Natasha dressed quickly. "You know, you were right about your ex being a lying bitch." She grinned at Natasha's look of surprise. "She said you were awful and useless, right? And hit you? Well, you only met me yesterday, but you met me for lunch and now you're heading out with me just because my ex is a lying, filthy bitch. So both of them were liars, because an awful person wouldn't be doing this."

She gave Emilia a smile. "You may have a point there." She slipped on her boots and grabbed her purse. "So let's go get some revenge."

Splitting her consciousness three ways, Loki crafted two invisible doubles to follow Natasha and Emilia to the warehouse district where Maia's property was located. They got in easily with Emilia's keys, and went straight to the office to rifle through files in the cabinets and on the computer. Natasha offered to take the computer, and deftly went through its file structure and commonly used programs to trace where Emilia or Maia would have put important files. She wasn't just looking for the financial data, but for any potential ties to AIM or Hydra. Whatever might have been useful, she copied onto a flash drive while Emilia wasn't looking. She was absorbed in going through the file cabinets, every once in a while sniffling. Probably when she saw Ophelia's name, if Loki had to guess. One of Loki's copies looked over Emilia's shoulder, but it was all invoices and ordinary day to day business expenses.

"There has to be something," Natasha said after a moment, palming the flash drive. The other Loki copy took it from her and then slid it into her bra. Loki was rather proud of that sleight of hand, if only because she could stroke Natasha in Emilia's sight without the idiot knowing what was happening. Loki may have grinned a lot at that thought, though she wouldn't have admitted to such a thing.

"There's an office I don't have access to two doors down," Emilia offered, shutting her drawer. "You know, this idea sounded much better while I was upset."

"You still look upset to me," Natasha pointed out.

"Masha," Emilia sighed, scrubbing at her face. "I don't think I should do this after all."

"Go there," Natasha said _sotto voce_ to the invisible copy next to her, sliding another flash drive out of her pocket for the copy to take. One of the Loki copies left the office for the one in question; it was an easy spell to slide through the door to look for things Natasha would be interested in. Since one copy had watched her move through the computer, Loki was able to do the same on this one, copying files to the flash drive. This computer was far more interesting than Emilia's, and had more accounts and documents regarding research that Hydra was working on, as well as information they were stealing from various smaller organizations.

Loki powered down the computer and moved to the cabinets and drawers, looking for similar information. Locked and false bottomed drawers didn't faze her in the slightest, and it was child's play for the copy to make copies of the hidden files. She didn't even bother to figure out if it was the same kind of information Natasha had been saving from the computer; if it was hidden away, it was worth copying, in her opinion. Natasha could sort it all out later.

While Emilia and Natasha had to leave and wander through the streets, Loki's copy in the office simply snapped back into the original Loki. The flash drive and files were then safely hidden inside of Natasha's suitcase until she could evaluate them, and Loki simply stretched and lounged on the bed, pleased with herself. Natasha would heap praises upon her, would give one of her rare true smiles, would hold her close and say how proud she was.

One ghostly copy of Loki was enough to trail behind the pair until they came back to the hotel with little to show for Emilia's paltry efforts at revenge. Natasha gave her a commiserating hug and bid her good night and good luck for finding someone better than Ophelia; it even sounded like she meant it. The last copy snapped back into Loki as Natasha returned to her room, a slight sting in her chest making her gasp. Usually it didn't feel like anything when her copies returned to her, but this one apparently had passed through Natasha. Loki supposed that it was the crackle and static of Natasha's healing magic that made the recombination tingle so.

Natasha came to sit on the bed beside Loki's sprawled form. Her fingers trailed gently along Loki's bare arm. "Doing all right?"

Loki sat up, sheet falling from her body as she reached for Natasha. "It's better now that you're here," she murmured, letting her hand curl around the back of Natasha's neck. She pulled her close and kissed her tenderly, tongue brushing across Natasha's lips. "It's difficult using that much magic while split apart." Loki would never admit this to anyone else; it used to be that she lied about that, claiming that it came easily.

"The conference ends tomorrow, and then we'll head back to New York."

"You'll miss doing things like this," Loki murmured, stroking the back of her neck.

"Somehow, I don't think being Ambassador to Asgard will be all that tedious," she replied dryly, patting Loki's thigh gently. "Your mother didn't seem all that comfortable with violence when she saw us wounded."

Snorting, Loki shook her head. "Frigga is no stranger to violence. She had some manner of training with the sword and staff, and has a number of healing spells at her disposal." Loki's lips curled into an amused smile. "You believed her fragile?"

Natasha sighed. "She was convincing."

"Primary defense of most casters is to appear delicate."

"Because then they're underestimated," Natasha reasoned. She used that tactic herself on more than one occasion, and hadn't thought that Frigga would need to do that with her.

"Precisely," Loki said with a nod. She let her hand fall from Natasha's neck, fingers trailing down her spine. "There are very few things she values."

"You're one of them."

Loki froze, unable to even breathe. "No."

"Why else lie and make me think she's helpless? Between that and Odin making it clear that you can never go to Asgard, it means you have nothing and no one left."

There was a reason for this conversation, wasn't there? Loki couldn't recall it. Breathing was too difficult to do at the moment, and thinking seemed impossible. Good thing she was with Natasha, who could possibly do the thinking for her.

Natasha pulled Loki against her and kissed her forehead. "Why don't you sleep? It's been a long day for you, and you'll need rest."

A paroxysm of fear flashed through Loki for a moment. Nightmares had come with sleep before, and she wasn't sure if that would change now that she was female. What if it didn't? What if the pain came back, and the weight of the chains pressed into her? What if Amora's fires came for her? Or the laughter changed into that of Thanos, and the cold abyss beckoned if he didn't lie and lie and lie...

"I'm here," Natasha murmured, lips still against Loki's forehead. "I'll keep the nightmares away from you tonight. I'll keep you safe, I promise."

Loki burrowed her face into Natasha's neck as she threw her arms around her. One shuddering breath, and then Natasha's arms came to encircle her. "I can stay here with you, then?"

She didn't stay with Natasha very long after sessions. They separated ways, and there was only the very rare instance when they slept together. The last time they had both been wounded, and before that was under the influence of one of Amora's rings.

This time, it was her idea. She wanted Loki to stay. She was going to protect her, wouldn't let the demons get her. It was everything Loki wanted and needed.

And indeed, there were no nightmares that night.

***  
***


	3. Wearing A New Face

Considering the fact that SHIELD facial recognition software was looking for the male version of Loki, it seemed safe enough to bring her into Avengers Tower. It was noticed immediately that Natasha hadn't returned alone, though most of the Avengers were too polite to say much about it in front of the pair. Natasha's hair hung in loose waves, and she wore a leather jacket over jeans and a shirt. Loki hadn't fit into Natasha's wardrobe, so she simply refashioned her leather armor into a coat and pants, and the other garments into a bra and blouse. Clint arched a brow at Natasha, and she dipped her chin sharply, indicating she would explain later.

"Wait," Tony was saying, pushing his way toward the brunettes. "Who's she?"

"Someone you officially know nothing about," Natasha replied.

"This is SHIELD spy stuff, isn't it?" he asked, throwing up his hands. "It's not enough that they send you places where you pretend to be other people?"

Natasha gave him a level look. "What do you think?"

Tony blew out a frustrated breath and then stalked off in the direction of his lab, muttering under his breath. Natasha figured it was only a matter of time before he and Bruce realized that this mysterious woman carried the same magical signature as Loki. She grabbed Loki's arm and mouthed _Get Steve_ at Clint. They would have to do a little damage control before she gave her report to SHIELD.

At Natasha's nod, Loki threw up silencing spells around the four of them. "Who's your friend?" Steve asked, looking at Loki in concern. "Is she in trouble?"

"Yeah, you could say that," Natasha said. For a moment, she considered lying, but there was no real point to it here. "This is Loki."

Clint and Steve both gawked at Loki. "What?"

"Shape shifting, I'm assuming. I didn't ask."

Natasha had deliberately left it as a vague invitation for Loki to explain if she wished. Loki looked as if she would balk, but after a moment, she crossed her arms beneath her breasts. "I did not wish to remain as I was," she said finally. Her gaze rested on Natasha, though Clint and Steve openly stared at her.

"Not an illusion, in other words," Natasha clarified for her. "Loki's really female right now."

"How long will that last?" Steve asked, brows furrowed.

"Until I choose to change my form again, which I do not wish to do at this time." There was a measure of challenge in her voice, and Natasha repressed the urge to roll her eyes.

"The point is," Natasha said, giving Loki a sour look, "this is still Loki. Short of opening portals to different realms, she's got nowhere to go besides here or a SHIELD lockdown facility."

"Possibly not a bad idea," Clint intoned.

Loki bared her teeth at Clint, but Natasha placed a hand on her arm to quiet her. "Never," she hissed at Clint. Natasha's grip tightened, but it was supportive and not punitive.

"We need ground rules," Natasha said, voice sharp.

"And what to do if they're broken," Steve said, looking at Loki. "Because let's face it, you're not the most trustworthy person around. If we're going to stick our necks out, there has to be some guarantee on your part."

Natasha kept her expression impassive when Loki frowned and looked at her for some kind of support. "I already have one bargain struck."

"This is separate," Steve replied. "This would cover the rest of us."

Clint had his own arms crossed. "Or don't make it. I'd almost prefer that."

"No fire," Loki blurted, throat closing up with fear. "No venom."

Silence descended, heavy and pained. "We can agree to that," Steve said slowly. Natasha knew that the thought of torture never sat well with him, and that he wouldn't want to perpetrate it, even on Loki. She didn't want to direct the two of them as they bargained with Loki; Loki would have to deal with them on her own terms and she would have to stick with it. Even in a female body, Loki had to make reparations for and deal with her ledger in her own way. Telling Clint and Steve how to deal with her wouldn't be doing her any favors. She would have to find her own way, just as Natasha had years ago.

It was a slow, painful process, but at least Loki was willing to follow Natasha's lead. She'd meant it when she said she trusted Natasha, that she made her feel safe. It was Natasha's responsibility not to abuse that trust, which was only too easy to do.

She dealt well with responsibilities like this, at least. Her ledger gave her plenty of practice.

Steve and Clint seemed a little skeptical, even after some of the rules seemed to be worked out to their satisfaction. Suppressing a sigh, Natasha looked at Loki. "I think they need a practical demonstration to trust that this will work." Loki went unnaturally still, though Steve and Clint wouldn't have noticed that. Using her domme voice, Natasha raised one eyebrow. "Open a portal and get the shorter length of chain. They need to see for themselves what the stakes are, or they'll never understand why it will work."

Clint looked at Natasha in concern, but was willing to follow her lead. Steve merely stood with his arms crossed, waiting to see if he should intervene or say something.

Taking a breath, Loki opened a portal. She turned her eyes to Natasha, silently imploring her to recant the statement, but Natasha merely looked at her evenly. Visibly swallowing, Loki stepped through the portal to the apartment in Astoria. She knew exactly where Natasha kept the chain, even if it hadn't been used yet, and picked up the shorter length of it. The heavy black chain was as long as she was tall, and she returned quickly. At Natasha's nod, Clint took the chain from Loki. It was clear that he didn't know what to do with it, but Loki dropped to her knees and extended her wrists, lips trembling. Alarmed, Clint looked to Natasha. "Do it," she told him, voice grave.

As he wound the chain around Loki's wrists, they could see her struggle to remain still, her breathing becoming more and more labored. She remained silent, eyes downcast, a faint tremor in her arms. Clint dropped the ends of the chain and took a half step back, disconcerted by the sight of Loki's bowed head.

When it seemed clear after a minute that Loki was hyperventilating and close to a panic attack, Steve yanked the chain off of her hands. "I think we got the point."

Natasha helped Loki to her feet. "Why don't you go to my suite and rest, okay? We'll have to figure out sleeping arrangements if you're staying here." She flashed Clint and Steve a concerned look. "I wouldn't use any SHIELD housing right now." Loki merely nodded and left the room without a word, hands fisted at her sides.

Once she was gone, Natasha turned to Clint and Steve. "She didn't take down the silencing spells, so we can still talk freely," she announced.

"Tasha, what the fuck?" Clint asked, gesturing toward the closed door. "That's Loki?" he asked incredulously. "What the hell happened?"

"Remember what you were like after the Battle of New York?" she asked quietly. "I'm talking about after the interviews, after the debriefing, when it was quiet and there was nothing else left to do." Clint clamped his lips shut. Natasha turned to Steve. "Or when you woke up, when you realized just how much time had passed, before the Initiative was started." Steve nodded sharply, not saying a word. "Now imagine if you had _no one_ to go to after that, no outlet to work through that. And then more things happen afterward. And then more things, until all reserves are gone."

Clint scrubbed at his face tiredly. "Loki's going to blow up in our faces."

"Probably," Natasha agreed quietly.

"So we have to figure out a way to stop it from happening," Steve sighed. "And as much as I like working with them sometimes, I don't think SHIELD is going to do her any favors."

Clint laughed mirthlessly. "The shrink was a joke, too."

"So we're it, basically," Natasha said. "And if they send me out on Ambassador duties, I need to know that someone else is going to be able to rein her in."

That took a moment to sink in, then Clint turned to Natasha in concern. "But wait a second. If the Asgardians don't value magic or women or things like that..."

"Yeah. If she wasn't just about everything she hated before, she definitely is now."

Steve's eyebrows raised and he looked thoughtful. "Well, I suppose that's why it's best that we take care of it. Loki wasn't one to follow rules before, and I really don't see her falling into line like a good little soldier."

"Are you guys comfortable with the rules we worked out?" Natasha asked, looking at them with her concern easily visible. "Because she _does_ follow some. The majority of the rules out there are more like guidelines, but there are some that she holds inviolate. And that means that you _have_ to follow through."

"Like babysitting a toddler," Steve said. Natasha and Clint looked over at him and he shrugged nonchalantly. "Growin' up, my neighbors had little kids. I helped out sometimes when my ma was late getting home."

"So think of it like that," Natasha suggested, then turned to Clint. "Or you're the SO and corporal punishment is allowed."

Clint blew out a breath as he shook his head and waved in the direction of the door. "We'll figure something out, I'm sure. Why don't you go make sure she doesn't torch the place if Tony says something stupid?"

Natasha left the two of them behind to discuss their perceptions of the deal or Loki's new face. It was something she hasn't quite processed yet, but she would sit and ponder it at some point. She had to make sure Loki was safe first; if she felt threatened, she would lash out with pent up rage and desperation.

The goddess was curled up on Natasha's bed, facing the window. The leather coat had been discarded on the floor and the boots had been tossed into a corner. Her expression was shuttered, but Natasha had the feeling that she was barely holding it together. Natasha went to sit down beside her, and stroked her arm. "Hey."

"Where am I staying?" she asked in an arrogant tone, sounding as if she was the one in command rather than waiting on the generosity of others.

"It'll be in the Tower," Natasha said, fingers curling into the crook of Loki's elbow. She twisted a little more and reached over to brush Loki's hair away from her face. "I'll see about getting you a suite of your own, maybe get a suitable wardrobe for you."

Loki turned and sat up, facing Natasha. "Would you have me dependent on your goodwill? Beholden to your abundance and selfless nature?" Her lip curled in derision when Natasha didn't immediately answer. "For they will find me, surely, and your superiors will not be pleased when they find that you've hidden me from their view."

Rather than answer, Natasha reached over and seized a fistful of Loki's hair at the nape of her neck, pulling downward sharply. Loki hissed in a breath, her lips curling into a pleased smile, as if this was what she wanted all the while. "Is it that you want _this?"_ Her fingers tightened, pulling at Loki's scalp. "Do you want the pain?" she asked, running the thumbnail of other hand against the corded muscle of Loki's throat. "Or is it that _I see you?"_ Loki's lips parted and there was the subtle flare of her nostrils.

"I want what you give me," Loki choked out.

"Nicely vague."

"As if you would answer me plainly."

"Where's the fun in that?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Precisely."

Natasha ran her thumbnail down Loki's throat again. "You're getting all wet for me, aren't you?" she asked, taking a guess. At Loki's indrawn breath and slight widening of her eyes, she could only assume she guessed correctly. "Did you think that Clint and Steve will do these things for you? That they'd tie you down or have you kneel to follow their commands?" When Loki didn't answer, she pulled on her curling hair sharply, making her cry out. "Did you think that they'd bend you over and fuck you into submission?"

Loki didn't close her eyes, even though they watered. "If you wanted me to, I'd have to, wouldn't I?" she choked out finally.

"Is that in our deal?"

She let out a choked cry, her hands in fists in her lap. Natasha thought it was rather telling that Loki allowed her to behave this way when it was outside of a scene, when it wasn't the assigned day to be dominated. Something was still very broken inside of her, something very, very wrong that left her helpless and lost. It was the only thing that she could think of, and it _almost_ let her forgive Frigga her duplicity. Almost.

"Is. That. Our. Deal?" Natasha asked, each word carefully enunciated.

"No. But it could be," Loki finally choked out when Natasha closed her hand around her throat and started to squeeze. "You could have me do anything, and I'd be at your command. It could be. It _could_ be."

"Would I do that to you?"

Loki's eyes fell shut, a tear slipping out and falling down her cheek. "I don't know what I am to you. I do as you ask, I push and push and push, and I cannot tell if it's enough."

"Enough for what?"

"I was a job to you."

"Almost two years ago, yes." Natasha let go of her throat and let that hand slide down the rise of her breast. "But not for a very long time."

Loki let out a noise that was something like a choked sob. "And now?"

Natasha let her hand cup and lift one of Loki's breasts. "Our deal is our own," Natasha said carefully, her thumb rubbing against Loki's nipple. She dipped her head close to Loki's lips as they parted in a gasp. "It has nothing to do with my work, and everything to do with what we can be for each other. Isn't that so?" She let out a soft whine when Natasha ran her thumbnail over the nipple. "It's just ours, no one else involved."

Breath fracturing, Loki opened her eyes and reached out to clasp Natasha's waist. "But they have the chain now."

"You know Odin named me Ambassador and Fury agreed." She waited for Loki's assent. "While I'm away, someone has to keep you in line. It's not the same way that I do it, but you need to know that some lines can _never_ be crossed." Natasha rubbed her nipple again, making her mewl and gasp. "And if you're _very_ good," Natasha purred, lips near Loki's, "then I will reward you accordingly."

"Oh," Loki gasped, arching into Natasha's touch. _"Oh."_

"Did you think I would leave you unprotected?" Natasha asked in her sultry tone.

Loki whimpered, lips trembling. "Others leave," she said hoarsely. "They lied, they let me go, they didn't come for me. And they said they loved me. You've never said..."

"Love is for children," Natasha said, steel beneath her voice. "I won't ever say empty words."

"Are they empty?" Loki whimpered.

Natasha nipped Loki's lower lip. "For people like us, action means more than words. Words can be twisted, manipulated, _changed._ We trust in deeds, not words." A low moan escaped Loki as she arched into Natasha's touch. "Did you really think I wouldn't plan ahead? That I would leave you alone? That I wouldn't make arrangements for when I have to go to Asgard? I know you can't come with me, you can't try to shadow me or protect me." She nipped Loki's lower lip and pinched her nipple through her blouse, making her cry out. "Because I protect you, too, Loki. I'm not going to leave you alone."

Loki nearly sobbed, hands tight on Natasha's waist. "Will you promise me?" she begged.

Natasha loosened her grip on Loki's hair as she leaned in to kiss her, tongue sliding into her mouth. Her fingers stroked Loki's breast, making her moan into Natasha's mouth. "I promise," she said, hoping that Loki knew she meant it. "There are some things I don't _ever_ lie to you about. It's always been that way between us, hasn't it?"

"Yes," Loki whimpered, clutching Natasha desperately. "And you've never broken, never, even when I tried to make you, even when I was so angry I wanted you to."

"And I never will."

She could see that Loki didn't understand it, was still puzzled by it. She would never understand it, though; Loki was empty inside and needed external validation to feel whole, whereas Natasha refused to ever rely on another for survival. It was a fundamental difference in outlook, so Loki would never be able to replicate it. She needed an anchor, while Natasha continually served as her own. To say such a thing might shatter her, however, and that might send her into such a tailspin that the planet would be placed at risk.

No pressure, right?

***

"Okay. 'Fess up. Who is she?" Tony asked, cornering Natasha as she was heading to the gym. He looked as though he hadn't slept in a few days, which likely didn't bode well for keeping Loki's identity secret.

"Why?" she asked evenly.

"She's in my house," Tony replied, voice hard with mistrust. "She has the same magical signature that Loki has. If not for the fact that she's a she, sensors would say she _is_ Loki."

Natasha sighed. "Because she is."

Tony blinked, thrown by that quiet admission. "Um. Wait. What?"

"She is. Magic, Tony. She went from male to female, but everything else is the same."

_"Why?"_

"I haven't tried to ask yet."

"Why not? She hangs off of you like a shadow, is obsessed with you in an entirely unhealthy way, and has tried to kill you how many times?"

Natasha thought about it. "Directly? Twice. Indirectly? Three times."

"And you stand there so calmly."

"In my line of work, that's a very common occurrence."

Nonplused, Tony gaped like a fish for a moment. "Okay, this? Not a good thing. I know you're some superspy and whatnot, but that is not a good thing. As your friend, Natasha, this is me reminding you that normal people do not shake off death threats like rainwater."

"One, we're not normal. Two, you do that, too."

"Oh. Well," Tony shrugged. "I didn't say that _I_ was normal."

Smiling in spite of herself, Natasha rolled her eyes. "Did you want to come with me, then?"

"Wait a second. I mean, I know I _used_ to do the orgy thing, but Pepper will kill me, resurrect me and kill me again if I even tried—"

"Shut up and use the brain you keep boasting about."

"I do. It's just that you don't understand when I speak science, so I don't even try. I'm being nice to you, Natasha."

She rolled her eyes again. "Sometimes you need to just shut up."

"You know, Pepper says that, too."

"Listen to her. She's a smart woman."

"I know. That's why she runs the company."

"I'm on my way to the gym. Do you want to see for yourself that Loki isn't going to kill me?"

"Just because the crazy godling won't kill _you_ doesn't mean the genderbending creature won't kill the rest of us."

"She's a she now. You can use that pronoun, you know," Natasha told him in a deadpan tone.

Now it was Tony's turn to roll his eyes. "It's weird. I keep thinking of him as a him, with the horns and the gold and the flashy pointy stick of doom."

"The Battle of New York was over three years ago," Natasha reminded him.

"Some things are hard to forget," Tony said, flashing her a pointed look.

"I know. I don't forget."

"Looks like you do."

"Trust me, Tony. I don't forget. I take care of it in my own way."

"O-kay. I'll trust that it's some kind of scary spy thing."

Natasha gave him a smile. "Good plan. But I meant it. Why not come with me, and you'll see how the interaction goes."

"You're keeping her here long term, aren't you?" Tony asked with a sigh.

Her laugh was answer enough, and she led the way to the gym, where Loki had gone ahead to do stretches and get used to her new body. She looked frustrated, her hair in a loose braid at the nape of her neck. She had dressed in a sports bra, loose T shirt and yoga pants at Natasha's advice, and wasn't used to that kind of dress. Her eyes flashed angrily when she saw Tony enter the gym, but tamped down on whatever she might have wanted to say.

"Staves today," Natasha told her. "I'm not sure the swords you gave me can be repaired, and I forgot to ask Frigga when she was here."

Loki pursed her lips. "There were other things of import to discuss," she said finally. Natasha could tell she was upset about the swords, plus the reminder of how they were destroyed in the first place was likely uncomfortable.

"I'll take care of it," Natasha said quietly. She went to the cabinet of training weapons and selected two bamboo staves. Tossing one at Loki, she nodded in approval when she caught it on the descending arc. "Best two out of three?"

Even though Tony was there glowering at Loki, she couldn't help but grin in anticipation. "I'd like that. There's little enough to occupy me here."

"We can furnish the suite, get you manuscripts or something," Natasha offered. If Loki took her up on the offer, she wouldn't be able to go into her pocket dimensions by herself. She might tell Natasha she wouldn't go for Amora's rings, but Natasha had to err on the side of caution. Loki was damaged enough as it was.

"Most mortal magicks are paltry echoes of infant's abilities."

Natasha rolled her eyes. "It's a start, isn't it?" She swung her staff experimentally. "Anyway, we'll figure that out if we need to."

Loki swung the staff as well, testing its weight. "Shall we begin?"

Natasha's answer was to move in quickly, swinging the staff toward Loki's head. The goddess had to move quickly, relying on her prior instincts to drive her motions. Soon enough, she forgot about Tony entirely, falling back into the rhythm of swinging the staff, stabbing forward and trying spin behind it to strike Natasha. Tony may have winced at the crack of bamboo against flesh, but Natasha only grunted and Loki laughed maniacally.

Steve wandered in partway and leaned against the wall near Tony. Natasha noted it, but kept silent and focused. He probably wanted to keep an eye on Loki and see what sort of thing she was interested in; if Natasha was called to SHIELD or Asgard, he might be the one to spar with her. Clint would more likely try to skewer her with arrows.

After about an hour, Loki pulled off the T shirt and so did Natasha. "I feel like I need to get some popcorn or something," Tony snarked, ignoring Steve's sigh.

"I think we're pretty evenly matched," Natasha said after a moment.

Loki's smile was a flash of sharp teeth and a glint in her eyes. "Hand to hand, then."

With a nod, Natasha tossed her staff to the side. Loki followed suit, then gave her a half bow out of respect. They half circled, and Natasha moved first, ducking in low and sliding beneath Loki's arms. She seized Loki's knee with one hand as she shot past, sending her into the mat. Her hands came out to break her fall, and then Loki flipped up, catching Natasha in the chin with her knee. Loki flipped up to her feet and fell into a crouch as Natasha tumbled back from the blow. She worked her jaw a bit, then fell into an answering crouch. Steve watched closely, in case he had to intervene, but remained against the wall.

When Loki and Natasha started grappling and trying to find a good handhold to pitch a throw, Tony started laughing. "All we need is some mud."

"You really need to get your thoughts out of the gutter, Tony."

"But it's fun there. If anything, I don't drag the rest of you down in here with me often enough."

Steve laughed in spite of himself, then looked over at Natasha and Loki. "Should I start ordering lunch, or were you going to fight through it?"

Loki finally got a handhold and flipped Natasha onto her back. With a triumphant laugh, she got to her feet. "Feasting is appropriate at this time."

"Shower first," Natasha told Loki, heading toward the door. "We'll meet you in the dining room."

Natasha pulled Loki into her suite rather than letting her go into the suite she was assigned across from hers. "What is it?" Loki asked, seeing her thoughtful expression.

"You know I had to go in and talk with the Director this morning."

"You haven't wanted to talk about your meeting," Loki said, eyeing her suspiciously.

"Much of the meeting didn't have anything to do with you," Natasha said, starting to strip off her sweaty clothes and tossing them into her hamper. "But there was the question about where you had gone." Naked, she turned around and flashed Loki a grin. "I told them that I would refer to my magical contact as a she, and it should confuse the World Council. They thought it was a good fiction to perpetuate."

"So they know, but they also don't know the truth."

"Yes." Still with a grin on her face, she headed to her bathroom. "I thought you'd enjoy that. Now how about we enjoy something else?"

Loki took off her clothing and followed Natasha into the shower. She had made the offer mostly to distract Loki from her self-loathing and self-destructive spiral. As she expected, Loki seized on the opportunity right away as they soaped each other up, kissing her hungrily beneath the hot spray of water, hands roaming across Natasha's torso. Natasha pushed her back against the wall of the shower, sliding a hand down to the juncture of her thighs. Loki mewled and grabbed hold of Natasha's other arm for balance, tilting her hips to give Natasha better access. The sound of the water coming down muffled Loki's cries, her hips jerking and breath coming in stuttering gasps until she came.

For all that the shower stall was a large, luxurious space, Natasha leaned into her, pressing her against the side. Loki mouthed her neck as her heart rate came down to something approaching normal, then turned Natasha so that her back was to the wall. Loki dropped to her knees in front of her and moved her legs to make room. Smirking a little, Natasha perched on the edge of the tile shelf, moving aside the bottles of shampoo and bath gel. Once her legs were spread wide, Natasha worked her fingers into Loki's hair, holding her head in place against her. Loki licked into her, hands on her thighs, not stopping even after Natasha came with a soft cry. Natasha had expected this to be enough, but there was almost an air of desperation about Loki's movements, reminding Natasha of their last session at the Astoria safe house. Abruptly, she yanked on Loki's hair to have her stop.

"They'll know something's up if we take too long," Natasha said, seizing on the flimsy excuse.

"So?" Loki asked, unconcerned. She licked her lips and looked up at Natasha with a guileless expression. "You'll take care of it. They'll listen to you."

And there it was, the part that bothered Natasha so much. She was no savior. She wasn't too good or too holy, however Loki saw her. Natasha was a killer, bathed in blood and lies and darkness, a shadow with teeth and knives and a garrote between her fingers. What kind of savior could that be for anyone?

But Loki did finally let go, allowing the soap to be washed off so they could dress for lunch. She didn't quite fit into Natasha's clothes, and dashed across the hallway naked to dress. Natasha managed not to laugh at her walk of shame, and didn't remark on it at all when they all gathered for lunch. Bruce even came out of the lab to join them, which was a pleasant surprise. "I've been working on stabilizing the bridge with Jane," he explained. And it did explain so much, from the rumpled, slept-in look his clothes took on to the dark circles under his eyes. "We're really close to an answer on keeping it stable."

"I'm sure she appreciates all the work you've been putting in," Steve offered, helping to divvy up the Thai food that Tony had ordered.

"If we could just get it to work for more than ten seconds at a time, I think we'd both feel better about it. That's enough time to get messages through, maybe, but not enough time for a person to get into the circle and be gated across through a wormhole."

"Ten seconds is enough time if you moved fast enough and were prepared," Natasha said with a shrug. "It's a start."

"It needs to be open longer, ideally," Bruce disagreed, shaking his head. He looked utterly exhausted, and Natasha almost felt the urge to tuck him back into bed.

Clint looked at Natasha after conversation petered out. "So you're not heading back to Austria after all," he commented, eyeing her casual clothes. "Did it not work out?"

"It worked too well," Natasha said with a shrug, aware that Loki was watching her closely. "I got in, did what needed to be done and got the information we needed."

"But you wanted to take out Sarkissian."

"It can't be me personally," Natasha replied, suppressing a sigh. Of all the times for him to bring it up... It wasn't his fault, he was used to going over her missions like this. Usually she didn't care about the levels and would tell him everything anyway.

"Why not?" Loki asked, frowning and putting down the food she barely touched. "It was your condition to becoming the Ambassador, was it not?"

"Yes, but I'd be made immediately." That only got everyone's attention directed at her, so this time Natasha really did sigh. "Not by Sarkissian. It's her girlfriend, Yelena Belova," Natasha admitted. "She knows me."

Clint frowned. "That name is familiar."

"She's another product of the Black Widow program. SHIELD got me, Hydra got her."

The silence around the table was rather uncomfortable, but Natasha continued eating. "Wait," Tony said, first to break the silence. "How many of you were there?"

"That got out or that got made?" Natasha asked, sounding nonchalant. She knew better than to let her discomfort show, though she really wanted to avoid this line of questioning. The others would figure out she wasn't heading back to Austria soon enough, and they didn't know why this was an uncomfortable topic for her.

Loki clasped her hands in her lap beneath the table, then slid one onto Natasha's thigh in silent support. That bothered her, too; Loki had enough issues at the moment, and she didn't want the trickster digging into her past. All right, perhaps that wasn't fair to think. Loki had actually been dealing with her fairly, which was rather a shock.

"Both, I guess?" Tony asked, frowning. "Is this a trick question?"

"Two got out. I don't know how many were made. The rest are dead."

Clint frowned at the dead note in her voice, and she knew he would ask about it later. But how was she supposed to explain that Yelena had been her friend once, but there had been no one there to piece together her mind? How could she talk about the training or the horrors that they had to endure? It was best left in the past.

The others did at least take the hint and let the subject drop. Later, however, Loki approached Natasha with an almost hesitant demeanor. "She meant something to you, this Yelena."

She saw into Loki, and had taken it for granted. Natasha had actually forgotten that she could see her soul in return. Sometimes the abyss looked back, after all.

"She was my friend once. So I had to go back for her."

"You were lovers," Loki guessed, coming closer. Her entire posture was subdued, frightened of the answers Natasha would give her. Or not give her, perhaps.

"It was comfort," Natasha replied, voice even and icy. "There was little enough to be had in the Red Room."

Natasha was very still as Loki wrapped her arms around her and pressed her lips to the top of her head. She didn't say anything, merely held her until her stiff posture relaxed.

"Perhaps someday you could count me as a friend," Loki whispered into her hair.

Wrapping her arms around Loki, Natasha let out a soft breath, the rest of her tension bleeding out. "Sometimes, I think you already are."

Loki smiled, and merely held on tight.

The End


End file.
